Crazy

Last week was weird. It was one of those weeks where you have encounters with other humans who theoretically speak English, (or whatever your primary language is), yet you say to yourself: "Dude.  I don't even think we are speaking the same language.  How can that possibly be your response to this situation?" The kind of interactions where you can't even really speak words out loud because you would say 'fuck"way  too many times, to way too many people, who probably won't find it way too endearing.  So you watch baseball and become a Royals fan.  Crazy as that sounds.

I read an article about reclaiming the word "Crazy".  I personally love the word crazy, use it all of the time and have no shame in using it to describe the behavior of my clients, my friends, public figures, situations, reactions, family members or myself at times.  If the adjective fits.  Also? There is only shame in a word if you accept it. There is only shame in anything if you take it on as your burden.  I know this because I have carried shame and allowed myself to be shamed for a lot of things for a lot of days and have just recently realized it was time to lay that shame down.  And that the only person who could lay it down was me.  And that all of the forgiveness and all of the redemption I had looked for externally; from you, from my bosses, from my friends, from my parents, from sponsors and boards, and GOD, could only come.....from me.  Crazy as that sounds.

We are all crazy.  All illnesses, all of them, are spectrum's.  Trust me.  I could diagnose all of you if the BBS would let me.  None of you are excused from Crazy. Whether it is in moments or life-long struggles. Whether it is your obsession with order, your destroyed body-image, the Mommy issues you've never worked out, your hidden crying jags, inability to feel anger, gambling problem, sort-of "dependence" on "as needed" anxiety medication, fear of bridges....whatever.  None of us are perfect.  None of us get the win for being sane.  Plus, what word should I use instead?  Nuts?  Manic? Ill? Tangentially Confused with Thought-Blocking and Delusions? Hysterical? Depressed? Weird? None of those speak to me like Crazy does.  Crazy is one part beautiful, one part struggle, totally human.  Crazy is brave and scared, yet filled with opportunity. Crazy is the opposite of At Peace and just like you can't have Joy without Sadness, Pain without Relief, Life without Death, you won't know Real Peace until you have experienced some Crazy.  The word police will just have to arrest me, I guess.  Crazy as that sounds.

The greatest freedom I have ever found came when I stopped caring about what other people thought.  I don't know how it happened, either.  Middle-age, maybe.  Sobriety, definitely.  Hard lessons in the lack of significance that any of this has.  And a lot of watching.  I watch people all of the time.  Not, like, in a weird creepy, stalky way; more like a I-am-a-visitor-here-what-a-weird-planet-way.  None of you know what you are doing.  And since I am one of you, I guess I finally figured out that as long as I was doing my best, how could any of you question me?  That coupled with my divorce from hierarchy, which simply put is believing that people in power know what they are doing and blindly following their lead, and BOOM! Freedom. Janis was right when she said that Freedom was just another word for Nothing Left to Lose. Because the only thing you ever can really lose is yourself.  Crazy as that sounds.

We are out of coffee here.  And I have to buy a shirt.  So I am going to leave you with some of the music that has popped up in my head this week.  As I have thought these thoughts, the running dialogue in my head is mostly music.  I literally have to translate what I write here from the lyrics streaming through my head.  Crazy as THAT sounds.

We will talk soon.  Good luck out there.  Be safe.  You Crazy Fools.

REM "Crazy"

http://youtu.be/axVC8bLo-jo

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rem/crazy.html

Janis Joplin "Me and Bobby McGee"

http://youtu.be/WXV_QjenbDw

http://www.metrolyrics.com/me-and-bobby-mcgee-lyrics-janis-joplin.html

Lorde 'Royals"

http://youtu.be/nlcIKh6sBtc

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lorde/royals.html