Finding the Field

My friend Julie's favorite quote is by Rumi.  At least I think it's her favorite.  I've never asked her.  And my phone is miles away in the kitchen so I am not about to get up and go ask her now.  So for the purposes of this blog, it's her favorite. Just like for the purposes of this blog I am going to pretend that I know who Rumi is.  In reality, I don't know who Rumi is but I like him.  Or her.  Is Rumi a him or a her?  It doesn't matter.  The point is my friend Julie's favorite quote (maybe) is by Rumi (whoever Rumi is).  It says this:

Out beyond ideas of wrong doing 

and right doing there is a field.

I will meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass

the world is too full to talk about.

I found this quote on Julie's door at work and have held it in my heart ever since.

Lately my world has been too full to talk about.  And I can't talk about most of it anyway.  That's the secret agent part of being a social worker.  You get to know all of these things, hear all of these things, see all of these things and it fills you up. Yet, there is no real way to let it out, so you twist and turn your own inside things trying to make other people's inside things fit.  Like a suitcase, because you are bound and determined to take only one (!), so you rearrange and smash, and twist two souls full of experiences into one and then use all of your weight to make everything fit and zip up.  It used to be worth it to me.  All of that rearranging and smashing and holding was worth it, just to be a social worker.  But it is becoming less and less easy to fit anything in this suitcase and at this point, I am not even sure I want to keep traveling this road. And I don't know how to fix that, except to say it out loud.

My world is too full and I am not sure I can tell the difference between right doing and wrong doing anymore.  I half-expect it doesn't much matter, either.  I think the world is a lot harsher than I was ever ready for.  People can be angry and unkind and unnecessarily petty and loud.  Phones ring shrilly, lights are too bright....intensity is like a drug and the entire world is cracked out.  It isn't quiet or soft anywhere.  Yet, I am.  In  my deepest places I am quiet and soft and easily broken. It is hard to admit this out loud because I pride myself on being such a badass.  But lately I feel more like Willow trying to grow new skin.  I need Buffy's strength.  I need directions to that field.

I can't find it right now but I believe in that field.  I know it exists because I have had moments there.  Moments where you realize that you are so much more than this human being in this seemingly impossible situation.  Moments where you see your place amongst the stars and feel the ocean move within your veins.  Moments when my soul has rested in soft sweet grass and nothing was hard and there were no sharp edges.  And it was too quiet to talk because words were meaningless and there was nothing left to say.

I am going to look closer for that field in the next few weeks.  And when I find it.....I will meet you there.