The secret nobody knows....

Here is the secret that nobody knows.  About my Dad.  I don't really believe he is dying.  I mean rationally, realistically, I know that this is in fact what is happening.  I was in the room when the doctor (who has been shark-cage diving, btw, a fact that is probably only important to me, but still pretty fucking cool) said things like: "average life expectancy is six months" and "entire liver compromised", and other stuff in language that was all terminal and sad and really, really way-to-clear.

I was, in fact, the one who insisted Dr. Shark-Cage-Diver explain to me, in detail, WHY my Dad didn't qualify for a liver transplant.....because why should I just believe him?  Just because he is an oncologist and deals with cancery-livers all day, every day, does not mean that he is somehow the liver transplant God.....all-knowing and all-powerful.  And frankly, I am still not convinced that I couldn't sway the people at UNOS (who actually are the liver transplant Gods, apparently) with a sales pitch about how cool my Dad is.  He may not meet their stupid criteria, but seeing as though he is the coolest human on the planet, I am willing to bet that if I went there (and by there I mean wherever UNOS is, which possibly isn't really a place that exists as a place at all) and took old pictures and told stories and maybe even brought my Dad in person (if he was willing to go, which I doubt because I am pretty sure he thinks this is all crazy) I. Could. Convince. Them.....but I won't do that. Because rational, thinking, Megan is on-board.  In full acceptance.  Rational Megan knows that much sooner than is even possibly comprehensible this liver thing is going to end....badly.

Trust me I get it.  I was the one that said all of the things I was supposed to say about supporting my Dad's decision not to do any kind of treatment (which I really do support...the options he was offered sucked and trying to convince my Dad that he should drink Cannabis oil and take Epsom-salt baths four times a day was not a conversation I think he would have tolerated).  I have been to the mortuary-office. I know what the plan is.

But here is the secret that nobody knows.....my Dad can't really ever leave me.  I do not think it is really possible for me to exist on the planet without him here, in some form.  From the very beginning we have had a special bond that is super-human and unbreakable.  I was born on his birthday for Christ's sake.....I have his feet.  So deep down, in the recesses of my heart, here is what I really believe is happenening:  My Dad has been selected to become part of a super-secret faction of spies who, like vampire-slayers, have always been part of the ether of human existence and are responsible for ensuring that the Earth survives the perils of time.  I believe in my most secret place that after he "dies", he will still communicate with me through secret messages and signs and that my biggest responsibility is to be aware of this without making a big deal about it, because that's the kind of talk that gets you institutionalized. I believe this like some people believe in Heaven and Rainbow Bridges, Reincarnation and Alien Abduction.

That is the way you survive things like this.  With a system that is three parts knowing reality, one part acceptance and one part total-fucking fantasy, aka belief.  Because the first four parts are really, really just too hard. Earth-shaking, bottom-dropping-out, I-feel-like-I-can't-breathe-hard.  So to survive, which I intend on doing, I will follow the plan to the tee, I will not  let my Dad or my family down.  I will call the number and pick up the ashes, I will go on with my life because he made me promise, I will help Sandi and I will carry on....

But in secret, the secret that nobody knows, I will believe that he is not really dead.  For the rest of my life, from the moment he is gone.....I will always be on the look-out for my signs....in a manner that keeps from being placed in any type of locked facility, but looking all the same.

So.....Super-Secret Agent Keith Redden Harris.....make sure you don't forget to send them.