Breaking Badass (Part 2)

Last year I had the opportunity to be evaluated by some folks who were trying to determine some things about me.  One went well and one really, really did not.  Since I was the same person both times and answered the questions the same way it has been a real challenge for me to figure out what the difference might be. I had the same truth, I wore similar clothing, I had not had a lobotomy nor do I have multiple-personalities. To read the two reports side by side, however, you would not recognize one Megan from the other.  Some have suggested that perhaps it was because one was paid by one side and one was paid by the other.  That is an entire blog of its own, but trust me when I tell you I am not so naive as to think that might not have something to do with it.

But I don't think that is everything.

The first evaluator had, by their own admission, little to no experience with drug addiction.  But they were fascinated by it.  Despite the fact that I have been clean from methamphetamine for a decade, long before I entered my profession which is where these evaluations stemmed from, the majority of the questions this evaluator asked me focused on that time in my life.  In fact, even my alcoholism (or addiction 2.0 as I like to call it), was far less interesting to this person than my meth addiction. And the incident related to the alcoholism, which is why I was there? Earned only about 10 minutes of three two-hour sessions.  I found that interesting....and odd.  And infuriating when I read the report.  However, now that I have had some time to think about it, I think I understand.  The evaluator was fascinated by something they did not understand and then because they did not understand it, they tried to destroy it.  And since I embody the "it".....I was the one to be destroyed.

We do this with addiction and addicts all of the time.  We are bipolar with first our deep fascination and celebration of addiction.....think Breaking Bad....and then with our flip-side condemnation of "those fucking losers who trade their food-stamps for dope".  For this evaluator, I was some sort of a meth-circus-freak.  It was interesting to ogle me in the low-lit office, but I sure as hell did not need to be seen in the real light of day.  I think this is true of our society in general.  We are all over the fucking map with how we view and treat different addictions, different drugs and different people from different walks of life who ultimately are doing the same exact thing.  Robert Downey Jr.?  Beloved Celebrity. You would love to have him over for dinner.  Would probably let him sleep over.  Borrow your car.  Take a not-known Robert D. just released from county with the same charges Iron Man has in his past? We aren't sure he is safe.  He is certainly not staying in our homes and forget hiring him--he's a felon....he has weapons charges....he sold drugs.

It makes me sad-laugh when I see Breaking Bad winning it's nine-millionth Emmy or I hear people fawn over the characters on Orange Is The New Black.  Taystee?  I love her too.  But she was a heroin-dealer...probably directly or indirectly responsible for people losing their kids....sharing dirty needles...dying.  Jesse Pinkman?  It's weird because like a lot of the Breaking Bad viewers I think he deserved another chance at a better life too, but when I am working with the Jesse Pinkmans in real life?  You'd be amazed at how quickly that compassion dries up when real-life-Jeses want to live next door or work at your neighborhood store.

When I think about addiction I am fascinated by how convenient it is to have it both ways.  You want to be impressed by my degree from UC Berkeley but you don't want to hear about how I was high the entire time I was getting it.  You want to celebrate alcohol as a national past-time and then separate yourselves from the fact that of all of the drugs of addiction it is by far the most dangerous.  The evaluator wanted to hear all about how I lied when I was using so I would not lose my job, then wondered how I could do that, then suggested that maybe I should lose my job because I was honest with her.  Which, had it happened? Would have served only to undo my life.  Same as it would have then.  Which to come full circle...is why I lied in the first place.

The thing with my addiction is that it isn't black and white.  The episodes do not neatly end after an hour....I was not able to wrap it up cleanly after a few seasons.  No one forgave me because I was their favorite character.  I had a lot to lose and I was afraid  and we don't make it easy to ask for help here.  There are no fandoms in real life.

Luckily for me the evaluator, the evaluation, didn't destroy me.  But it did some damage and probably could have done more had I not been part super-hero (or in reality had I not had such great people in my life, professionally and personally). That amount of power mixed with hypocritical confusion about addiction in itself is dangerous. It is also representative of how we think of and treat addicts in general.  Our confused state of being with addiction, and our confused relationships with substances are frankly more dangerous than the substances themselves.  The question is....what can we do to change?