Catharsis or Cath for short

If you are turning forty in four days like I am and have finally decided to write because your entire life people have told you: "Megan....you should write.", (seriously....my whole life.  Since way back in Montessori school where I failed at cleaning up after myself but was a mastress in making letters), and then finally something really terrible happened and you could not contain the words in your head any longer, then the first thing that you do is name your brand new computer.

I know what you're thinking.  You are thinking: Are you sure that is the first thing you do?  Don't you maybe learn about blogging?  Or take a grammar/punctuation refresher course?  Or, heck, consider the implications of giving yourself one more "have to" in your life when you are already like "fuck everything" on a daily basis? Nope.  You spend a ridiculous amount of money on a computer and spend a great deal of time considering the implications of her name.  And gender.

I named my ridiculously expensive computer Cath.  Short for Catharsis.  Or Catharine, after my Grandma Harris who was really a Katherine but since you don't spell Catharsis with a K and my computer is a Cath and not a Kate....it is Catharine.  Turns out it is also after the Death Cab song, "Cath", which has been stuck in my head for five days now.  And just like the problem with naming anything, kids, dogs, countries, what-have-you, as soon as I announced her name, there were issues.  In this case both my Mom and my Partner said: "Cath?  Like a catheter?" So now every time I talk to or about Cath I think catheter and have extrapolated that into envisioning her plug as an actual catheter and wondering if someday I might see yellow liquid pooled on the floor as she is charging. So thanks for that, Judy and Heather.

That's the problem with names.  Only the namer truly understands what the reasoning and magic is behind them.  For example, I am sure Gwyneth Paltrow has a perfectly deep and spiritual reason for naming her daughter after a piece of fruit but every time I see the kid I imagine her head as a Granny Smith.  And despite the fact that I will forever be fighting the image of "catheter" in my head (thanks again Judy and Heather), I know in my heart that Catharsis was named for reasons that are beyond the actual letters that form her name.

In Cath's case her name was bestowed after I had a written a letter for friends and family about my Dad, who is fucking dying (which is different than just dying because it is MY Dad who is doing it and it sucks more for me than if it were happening to anybody else's Dad) and Sandi, (my other Mom), suggested I continue writing because what I wrote was so good (I swear she did say that), and because she thought it would help me as we walk through this awfulness. "It could be cathartic", were the exact words she used, which brings us full circle to the here and now of me finally starting to write, but first having to name my computer.

So please let me introduce myself.  My name is Megan Emily Harris.  I am writing this on my computer Catharsis, "Cath" for short. My Dad, Keith, is fucking dying, I am turning forty in four days and there are too many words in my head.

It's a start.

"And soon everybody will ask what became of you.....

Cause your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do...."

Cath the song named after my computer.