Both

I decided to post this on #wordpress because....this is where Andrew Baggerly posts and he writes about the Giants.  In my head, if I post where he posts, I am somehow more connected to Giants baseball.  Look.  Most of life is about what we believe to be true, reality optional, so just go with it.  I will also be posting on #Blogger and #Tumblr, just in case you prefer that and because I am still hoping I am one hashtag away from fame, book deals, book tours and world travel/domination.

What I have been thinking about a lot the last few days is something my Clinical Supervisor and mentor, Coach Tosh, has been trying to teach me for four years now.  The idea of the Middle Path.  The idea that two, seemingly opposite, ideas or beliefs can exist in the same mind and heart at the same time.  That our tendency to scurry to one side or another is fraught with a false sense of Black and White or Right and Wrong.  And by "our" I mean "my", because let's face it, I am probably guiltiest than most of having such strong opinions that I can not for the life of me see the other side, let alone entertain that it is has any possible value.

I have been thinking about this on a bigger-world level since #Ferguson happened and then when I watched the Eric Garner, #icantbreathe video.  Followed by the video of 12-year old Tamir Rice being killed.  I have been thinking about this on a my-world level as I recently accepted a "supervisory" position that inevitably will put me into positions where I make a decision that staff thinks is lame or that other supervisors thinks is lame or that is just lame.  I have been thinking about this on a life-and-death level as I am trying to celebrate the holiday season, which regardless of what you believe is a lot about birth and hope, while facing some other realities about death and grief.  I have been thinking about it a lot.

#JonStewart, who I unabashedly love, said this on his show last week and it has become the impetus for this post and what I hope to be a new era of #civility and middle-path-taking in my life.  In response to criticism he received, he said:

 "Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive". That's the crux of the crux of the all-of-it.  I can support law enforcement, appreciate the police, be white and still wonder about brutality, wonder about racism, wonder if we might not be able to do things differently. I can support the right to bear arms and not understand why an every-day citizen needs to go to WalMart with a loaded weapon on their hip. I can be law-abiding and still believe the justice system in this country is in need of some over-haul.  I can celebrate the holidays and still wonder if it is really the best idea to have a Clark Griswald house when we are living in a time where we need to reduce consumption.  I can be both leader and line staff.  These ideas, these roles, are not mutually exclusive.  You can laugh and grieve at the same time because all of us, sick or not, are most certainly living and dying at the same time.  You can pick both.

On every level of my life politically, professionally and personally, I am noticing my reactivity and a certain pressure to be on one side or another.  To feel one way or another, to support choice A  or choice Z.  And it seems like an entire alphabet is what people want you to believe the two choices are separated by. But most things in life are not really that simple.  Often times, the two sides of something are a lot like two sides of the same coin. Totally opposite, but, you can't have one without the other.  So you have to figure out a way to have both, to allow both to exist.

So, besides not eating sugar, giving up soda, AND fitting into the clothes Stacey Marie gave me by Valentines day (!), my New Year's resolution is to pick choice M.  M is the middle point of the alphabet.  The middle-path.  It is also the first letter of my first name so it is going to be SUPER easy to remember.  Unless I forget my name, which is not totally impossible (the other day, I forgot my address).

The extreme always makes an impression but it is suffocating there. And obvious.  And  frankly, not really an answer because it always silences another side of something which continues the fight.  And I am not sure about much, but I think the goal of any battle, of any conflict, of any argument is to stop fighting and make peace. Find common ground.  Find. Both. Take the middle-road, because what is considered the "high" and the "low" roads exist only in context and perspective.  Neither of which lend themselves to righteousness or absolutes.

Good luck out there! Loving you.....

Go Outside, Mr. Rogers

I disagree with Mr. Rogers.  I just have to get that out there.  I almost can't believe it either, but it is true. Mr Rogers is wrong.  And because I disagree with Mr. Rogers, it seems I also disagree with Anne Lamott, who is quite possibly my most favorite real-human on the planet (whom I haven't met yet....as opposed to my favorite real-human whom I have met...or my favorite non-real human....or my favorite real non-human, etc.).  The point, if there is one, is that Mr. Rogers said something once and Anne Lamott quoted him and despite the fact that they are both incredible, amazing, soulfully brilliant people.  They are both wrong.

I am sure you have seen it written or heard it and probably agreed with it....I know I did.  It is the Fred Rogers quote that is posted every time humans do something awful to each other.  The things that stun us and make us do weird things with our breathing.  The things that make us dizzy.  It is this quote and it sure seems innocuous enough:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

I saw it posted about the Internet when the shootings in Aurora, CO happened.  Then again when the shootings in Newtown, CT happened.  Then again when the bombings happened at the Boston Marathon. Now I am seeing it posted about Ferguson.  The first time I saw it posted somewhere it made me cry.  It touched the social-worky part of me that is a helper so I felt honored.  Then I saw it again when basically the same tragedy happened; only on a different day in a different place, but for the same reason or lack thereof, and I was less moved.  Then Anne Lamott re-quoted it about something else horrible and tragic that was a different horrible tragedy, but really more of the same thing, and I thought that if Anne still thought that was enough it was good enough for me.  Then I saw it posted about something else....either the folks trapped on Sinjar Mountain or perhaps the beheading of James Foley....and that was the turning point, when I knew that looking to the helpers could no longer be the answer, at least for me.  

I totally get what Fred was saying and why Anne re-quoted him, I really do.  They are saying: when humans do bad things, look to the humans who are doing good things to remind you that humans are capable of good things.  So you don't get discouraged.  That kind of thinking has made a lot of sense to me for a lot of my life. It's the line of thinking that goes:  People do bad things....but then people do good things so there is hope that someday people will no longer do bad things any longer and we will all live in harmony.  It is still a valid line of thinking, I guess.  It just doesn't work for me.  It might have worked for me if the same helpers weren't continually running in to clean up the same mess over and over again, but that is exactly what happens. And it does nothing for me anymore to know that the next time a white cop kills a black man and there are riots that there will be people to help clean it up.  It does less than nothing for me to know that there will be helpers in the Middle East after what I am sure will be the next war in Iraq, to fix the destruction from the latest version of religious zealotry and terror that is going on now (as opposed to the last war about the same thing that was going on then). It does even more-than-less-than-nothing for me to know that in an impoverished country, with no infrastructure or ability to meet the basic needs of its people, there are helpers helping because of an outbreak of a disease that could likely have been prevented (if anyone cared about ships before they hit icebergs).

I will not look to the helpers, SamIam, I will not look there even if I can....because looking to the helpers deludes us into thinking that having helpers there is a solution and it is not.  Helping fix what is broken is not nearly as effective as not breaking it in the first fucking place. The helpers are tired.  The helpers have been here and they have seen this before and yet here they are again and nothing has changed except maybe the time and possibly the place, but definitely not the intent or the actions....and seriously? Helping doesn't seem to be helping. 

So what then?  What are you supposed to do the next time a gunman opens fire on innocent children? And trust me there will be a next time because nothing has changed since the last time and nothing changes if nothing changes so it is only a matter of time...Isn't that sad?  That we all know it is just a matter of time before it happens again.  Just a matter of time before we declare war, again.  It is outrageous really....So, what should you do when it does happen?  If you can't or won't look to the helpers?  Go outside.  

Go outside. Don't look to humans at all.  Get as far away from humans as you possibly can; those doing bad things and those trying to help fix the bad things being done.  Go outside.  Go way outside, like not to your backyard but go out, out to the ocean or up to the mountains and sit down by yourself.  Sit on sand or granite that is millenia old.  Sit there quietly and put your hands down on that sand or granite and feel the warmth of the sun.  The sun which is 92.96 million miles from earth and breathe in oxygen that may contain atoms from your ancestors who are also millenia old.  Don't do anything; anything else but sit and breathe and be quiet.  Sit there for a while.  If you are lucky, maybe storm clouds will gather and rain will begin falling; watering and sustaining the Earth the way it has since the Earth was born. Stay outside and you will get wet and realize that you have to move to a dry place because the outside didn't care that you were a human doing bad or doing good and it rained on you and now you are wet and small and only human.

Then come home and dry off and consider a world in which we aren't constantly fixing the same problem.  Picture a world where we don't have to clean up the mess because the mess didn't happen. Because we did not make the mess to begin with. Because we learned how to do things differently and better and once we knew better we did better.  Picture a world where you never have to look to the helpers again to restore your faith in humanity.  Because you have stopped losing it.  Go outide and remember your place in the world.  Go outside. Go outside and get wet.