Both

I decided to post this on #wordpress because....this is where Andrew Baggerly posts and he writes about the Giants.  In my head, if I post where he posts, I am somehow more connected to Giants baseball.  Look.  Most of life is about what we believe to be true, reality optional, so just go with it.  I will also be posting on #Blogger and #Tumblr, just in case you prefer that and because I am still hoping I am one hashtag away from fame, book deals, book tours and world travel/domination.

What I have been thinking about a lot the last few days is something my Clinical Supervisor and mentor, Coach Tosh, has been trying to teach me for four years now.  The idea of the Middle Path.  The idea that two, seemingly opposite, ideas or beliefs can exist in the same mind and heart at the same time.  That our tendency to scurry to one side or another is fraught with a false sense of Black and White or Right and Wrong.  And by "our" I mean "my", because let's face it, I am probably guiltiest than most of having such strong opinions that I can not for the life of me see the other side, let alone entertain that it is has any possible value.

I have been thinking about this on a bigger-world level since #Ferguson happened and then when I watched the Eric Garner, #icantbreathe video.  Followed by the video of 12-year old Tamir Rice being killed.  I have been thinking about this on a my-world level as I recently accepted a "supervisory" position that inevitably will put me into positions where I make a decision that staff thinks is lame or that other supervisors thinks is lame or that is just lame.  I have been thinking about this on a life-and-death level as I am trying to celebrate the holiday season, which regardless of what you believe is a lot about birth and hope, while facing some other realities about death and grief.  I have been thinking about it a lot.

#JonStewart, who I unabashedly love, said this on his show last week and it has become the impetus for this post and what I hope to be a new era of #civility and middle-path-taking in my life.  In response to criticism he received, he said:

 "Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive". That's the crux of the crux of the all-of-it.  I can support law enforcement, appreciate the police, be white and still wonder about brutality, wonder about racism, wonder if we might not be able to do things differently. I can support the right to bear arms and not understand why an every-day citizen needs to go to WalMart with a loaded weapon on their hip. I can be law-abiding and still believe the justice system in this country is in need of some over-haul.  I can celebrate the holidays and still wonder if it is really the best idea to have a Clark Griswald house when we are living in a time where we need to reduce consumption.  I can be both leader and line staff.  These ideas, these roles, are not mutually exclusive.  You can laugh and grieve at the same time because all of us, sick or not, are most certainly living and dying at the same time.  You can pick both.

On every level of my life politically, professionally and personally, I am noticing my reactivity and a certain pressure to be on one side or another.  To feel one way or another, to support choice A  or choice Z.  And it seems like an entire alphabet is what people want you to believe the two choices are separated by. But most things in life are not really that simple.  Often times, the two sides of something are a lot like two sides of the same coin. Totally opposite, but, you can't have one without the other.  So you have to figure out a way to have both, to allow both to exist.

So, besides not eating sugar, giving up soda, AND fitting into the clothes Stacey Marie gave me by Valentines day (!), my New Year's resolution is to pick choice M.  M is the middle point of the alphabet.  The middle-path.  It is also the first letter of my first name so it is going to be SUPER easy to remember.  Unless I forget my name, which is not totally impossible (the other day, I forgot my address).

The extreme always makes an impression but it is suffocating there. And obvious.  And  frankly, not really an answer because it always silences another side of something which continues the fight.  And I am not sure about much, but I think the goal of any battle, of any conflict, of any argument is to stop fighting and make peace. Find common ground.  Find. Both. Take the middle-road, because what is considered the "high" and the "low" roads exist only in context and perspective.  Neither of which lend themselves to righteousness or absolutes.

Good luck out there! Loving you.....

Celebrate Me Home

Hi.  Just checking in.  A few things about my #buyin2Christmas experiment that is officially 14 (or 15, but I think I have been counting wrong) days old today! The first is to answer a question I got and then change the answer.  To a better answer.  Because that's what Megan-brains do.

Why is #buyin2Christmas 42 days long?

#buyin2Chrsitmas was originally 42 days long because I decided to start it the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I was going to end it the Saturday after New Years.  But then once I started saying 42 in my head, it triggered the TOOL song 46 & 2 to begin playing on an endless basis, also in my head and I realized that this was I.T. trying to get my attention.  See, if you know the song at all, it is about growth and change and Maynard (lead-singer of TOOL), is a total badass who writes songs about evolution and Jungian theories of the "shadow" and I relate to all of this as I move through life things like getting married, and trying to have a baby, and getting sober and watching my Dad transition and learning how to celebrate tradition.  So, that said, since 46 & 2= 48 and I realize the importance of the symbolism, #buyin2Christmas is now 48 days long.  The other reason for it being longer now is that I realized I would need some time to transition out of this time of year, just as I have needed some time to transition in to it.  Plus, did you know that the 12 days of Christmas actually refer to the 12 days AFTER Christmas? It's the period that goes from Christmas Day to January 6th, which is referred to as Little Christmas or Epiphany.  Now, I did not pay attention enough when I became Catholic to remember what Epiphany is exactly, but I think it has something to do with the Magi and Jesus's baptism and the whole god/man idea.  And I am not much of a believer in things religious, but I have become a deep believer in the idea that the veil between the physical and the celestial is only as thick or thin as you need it to be.  I want mine to be as transparent as all get out these days.  I also want to believe that you and I are reflections of God....which to me is whatever is best about being human.  The Good Stuff.  The kindness, the graciousness, the struggle to do what is right, all of the time, especially when it is hard, the light.  So, with that all being said, #buyin2Christmas now ends on Saturday, January 10th.  That is 48 days after November 23rd when I started this gig, it includes Epiphany and it ends at the end of the week, which fits nicely into my little OCD kingdom.  Also, you should at least read the words to the TOOL song I am talking about.  Or listen to it.  But probably mostly read the words.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tool/fortysix2.html

Phew.....after all of that, I am kind of winded.  And I haven't even began to describe what I have observed about myself and the world during this, the season-o-the-holiday.

I think the first thing is that celebrating Christmas, or whatever it is you celebrate, takes a lot of effort.  Turns out I never really hated the lights and the trees and the parties, I am just lazy-as-fuck.  No, really,  I am.  I am quite possibly the laziest person on the planet.  Getting anything out of Life? Takes.  Effort.  It is actually a deep, running theme in my life that really needs addressing except that I am too lazy to address it.  It is the primary reason why I don't cook, celebrate anything, or have a hair style.  In my defense, and hand to I.T. this is not an excuse, but frankly, just existing, in some semblance of a reasonable way has been overwhelming enough for me; without adding in trees and lights and blow-dryers.  And while I think this is slowly beginning to change, #buyin2Christmas does not begin to happen, as well as it is going, without the help of my Heather, the one in this partnership who knows how to give a shit about things and then put effort behind it.  So, thanks babe.

The second thing I have noticed is that the money thing about the season still bugs me.  But not because of my past arguments about excess and consumerism and environmental destruction....although all of that is still really true.  It bugs me because it makes me sad that I cannot buy all of the people I love lots of things.  And while everyone says it doesn't matter to them, it matters to me and makes me feel incredibly guilty and since I don't want to feel guilt or sadness, I go with anger and outrage at the masses because that is a safer feeling for me than the others.  Thing is, if I had planned better, if I wasn't so selfish, if I was willing to put in more effort, I probably could have done better at gift buying and giving this year.  But I didn't.  I spent all  the money on baseball and I am too tired to put together gift jars of cookie ingredients and I also still don't really think anyone NEEDS anything.  But at least this year I am willing to admit that yes, I know this isn't the point; but since I am still ore selfish than not, the gift in there is that I am working on it.

Lastly, the thing I have noticed the MOST is about the music.  I have a few questions, like: What makes the song "My Favorite Things", a holiday song? and "Celebrate Me Home" by Kenny Loggins?  Seems more like a song about last call than the holidays.....but whatever.  I like Kenny Loggins as much as the next guy. I have to say, the music, for me, has been the best part of this experiment.  I have been listening to 24-hour a day Christmas music in my car and on my phone and at home for DAYS now, and it really is magical.  When Bing Crosby starts to sing "White Christmas" I get transported to my Grandma's house and I can see her Family Room decorations in vivid detail, like I was there yesterday.  And Oh, Holy Night....well it has the greatest quote about the season and the meaning of everything of any song ever written, no matter the time of year:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/celinedion/oholynight.html

The most important part being: The thrill of HOPE. A WEARY world REJOICES.  For yonder breaks, a new and GLORIOUS morn.....

I need those words more than ever this year.  The reminder that life, in its inevitable way will go on and light will come to dark places. That  the tired will be allowed to rest and that there will be Joy again, as long as there is Hope.

So, I'd say we are off to a grand start.  Me and Christmas.  I hope you are too.